Bogged Down

Some days I feel so good about what I'm doing, so righteous in my action steps and deliverables, so satisfied with the work I'm doing and why I'm doing it.

Other days I feel frustrated with humanity, doubtful in what I'm trying to share, overwhelmed by a sense of hopelessness.

Up and down, up and down. Like a teeter totter, flying into the air with glee and then dumping into the ground with downward motion. Up and down, up and down.

I have become familiar with this relationship, its repetition being something I can rely on. My predictions don't indicate proficiency, however, and each dump into the depths leaves me questioning who I think I am and what I think I'm doing. Every-single-time.

With the madness at it's peak (a few days before Dec 25), I am exhausted by it all. Endless stuff piling into trunks, tension filling the air, a lack of patience exploding into every restaurant, home goods store and shopping mall. Will we all make it out of this holiday season alive?

I don't like to give the negative more power than it deserves but I have to be honest with what's going on with me lately. People are crazy and will do anything for a parking spot. Caring more about objects than moments. Focusing more on the external, hoping that one day their internal voice won't be so loud. And all of that makes me sad.

Realizing now more than ever that I'm deep into the workings of the heart. Of having hard conversations. Of doing the work that's terrifying and questionable. Of saying what needs to be said, even though I know it won't be trending. Because the way I see it, we are all going to go and I don't want to waste anymore time hiding from myself, hiding from others, hiding from the realities and mysteries that this life is full of.

I am here to come alive with every thought I have, every word I speak and every action I commit, even if my heart breaks while doing so.