I woke up irritable. Went for prescription yoga to treat my mood and still felt bleh. Spewed the details here and came home for a bath.
BATH WAS EVERYTHING.
I have things I'm doing, things I'm not doing and things I'm not doing that I must do. One of those being, including an RSS email subscription option here for you all (exciting!... why have I put it off for so long?)
After hours of Mail Chimp delving and Squarespace searching I fumbled my way to having created accounts without much to show for it.
Andre called for a lunch time hello with little idea of what the previous hours had been made of. One wrong move and I lost it. Tears streaming down my face. Why couldn't I figure it out? Why do they make it so complicated and messy and non user friendly? Why can't I do anything right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vehemently closing all the open forum tabs, I decided to endure this prolonged battle another time.
It's easy to stay where it's comfortable, where we already know the rules, where we feel confident showing up and shining out. When we're new at something, never done it before, finding our way... that's when the work comes in.
With each click to answer another question I had, I could feel my patience dwindling, my attention drifting and my intention not being met. I had not succeeded my expectations to have a working-up-and-running subscription form. All of this makes for a real nice self sabotage narrative that leads you to believe you aren't capable, which, most of the time, is not the case.
Starring at the screen while enduring open tab after open tab, I could feel the tenseness in my body growing, the frustration of not knowing the way fueling and the doubt within beginning to create a story about myself that wasn't true.
With moments and practice, we find out how reactive and cruel we've become AND how capable we are of changing our story once we recognize who's doing the talking.
One day at a time.