Confusing

Being your own brand is confusing.

I'm speaking from (inside) of me to communicate to the outside world. I imagine that my insides reach yours but how and what they say, I'm not sure. I can't be sure. I can only be sure of what my reality is when I speak it. So I write when I have all the feels because that's when I think that my words don't really matter. Instead, how do you feel when you read what I share? Is it ever just you and me when you read these? That relationship is much more intimate than the one I sometimes imagine. The world with thousands of eyes, big brother our security landscape. Everything is out there. So why not just put it all out there?

but this is your brand.

Heather, you are Heather but Heather, you are a brand. Okay...........

Does that mean I can still just be me?

Because it changes so much

moment to moment

and it is really hard not to care what people think

especially when no one is talking about the hard stuff with you

like that it is hard when your grandparents, parents, pass away and they don't even know how to talk about it- Heather, am I going to die?

like holding the pain of a relationship mistake that you won't ever tell your close friends- they'll hate him if they know this, they'll think I'm stupid, that I'm not strong.

like watching someone in your family perpetrate something or containing that pain inside- they are supposed to love me, is this love?, maybe I'm just crazy.

moment to moment

everything changes

a conversation

locked eyes

hearts exposed

so much can happen if you believe

so much can happen

if you believe in love

it will manifest everywhere

but

if you secretly believe in your pain more than love

your parent's mistakes

your church's structure

your school's pressure

then you will continue spinning

around 

and

around

on somebody else's playground

Do you ever swing?

I do often and I close my eyes. I link my inhales and exhales to the motion of the swing and *imagine* I am weightless. If you don't allow an imagination, you won't ever fly.

So, back to being my own brand. It is confusing. And I'm 25 trying figure out all this chaos they shoved down our throat- wondering what the hell happened and why love go lost a looooooong time ago for so many

I reflect on old posts and try to *imagine* experiencing myself as a third person- Heather, you talk about love a lot. Is that weird for people? Should you be quiet about it already... Heather, you demand high ideals and enjoy knocking people off of their high-horse. Are you just a bitch? Heather, you type in caps locks when you're really riveted, inspired, passionate, FEELING IT. Are you freaking everybody out because you care so much?

I don't know your narrative and I don't want to waste time pretending I do.

I am going to hold myself to high ideals-

being who I am

moment to moment

and sharing that

with you

when I'm ready

and how I want to share.

Heather, being you is confusing but I wouldn't have it any other way.