When I came home from the hospital for the very first time, the welcoming beat my Dad had playing as I was led through the front door into what would be my life, was this song. I knew he liked to sing this song because of the exaggeration and fluctuation of sound and tone and there are many times throughout my life where I can recall the way his voice in particular would place emphasis.
Last year for the 4th of July I was in Oakland for a fair at Jack London Square. I had a fruit popsicle, hung out with some miniature pigs, was on my way to get some Nepali food, when the speakers overhead played the words, "I see trees of green... red roses too... I see them bloom... for me and you... and I think to myself... what a wonderful world." Tears began falling down my face like soft streams of understanding, streams that remembered.
Sometimes I wonder if my Dad actually believes it's a wonderful world. The relationship we have and the relationship I imagine he has with most others in his life, leads me to hear his words singing this song in a deep kind of misery. I find some weird comfort in the reality of not having a Dad in my life as an actual human body presence but instead as a song, or a letter, or voicemail.
I often wonder, what will it be like when he dies? Will I feel anything different? It's like he's been dead (metaphorically) most of my life, what else would change?
I just finished the entire season of This Is Us and all the dying Dad characters, moments and lessons feel so very honest and real. I bawled my way through the series and said thank you every episode.
When we create stories, lives and products to convey a message and expand on something, we better make it true and rich. Not this surface shit with money and hoes and the like. But the real stuff of gaining everything and at the same time, losing it all.
It's a tough go being here and loving out loud without any promises in return but it is the requirement of us all and I find some deep satisfaction in the sharedness of our experiences, regardless of the outer appearance.
What a life.
Happy Sunday everyone, I hope you allow for some rest :)